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Sprocket Holed - May 2008

Not sure about your path in life, your romantic choices, or whether to remain governor of California for decades? Let the greatest Cimmerian who ever spat offer profound life coaching advice that’ll have you communicating more effectively and strangling Picts faster than a prehistoric continent takes to sink!

On fiscal responsibility:

“I pay my way with steel! By Crom, man, if you don’t get under way, I’ll drench this galley in the blood of its crew!”, Queen of the Black Coast

“I’ve squirmed and burrowed and hidden like a snake, feasting on muskrats I caught and ate raw, for lack of fire to cook them.”, Shadows in the Moonlight

“As for being penniless – what rover isn’t, most of the time? I’ve squandered enough gold in the seaports of the world to fill a galleon.”, Red Nails

“In my country no starving man is denied food, but you civilized people must have your recompense.”, The Slithering Shadow

“Quarter such as you gave us, you swine!”, Shadows in the Moonlight

On the sanctity of female virtue:

“You speak as if you were free to give yourself at your pleasure, as if the gift of your body had power to swing kingdoms… Women are cheap as plantains in this land, and their willingness or unwillingness matters as little.”, The Vale of Lost Women

“I don’t forget faces – or women’s figures.”, The Jewels of Gwahlur

“Don’t bite, you hussy!”, Black Colossus

“I don’t kill women ordinarily, though some of these hill-women are she-wolves.”, The People of the Black Circle

On maintaining a positive outlook in the face of adversity:

“Why have the gods of darkness doomed me to death?”, Beyond the Black River

“’Twill take a bigger ocean than that one to drown me.”, The Treasure of Tranicos

“There is always a way, if the desire be coupled with courage.”, The Tower of the Elephant

“I climbed out of the abyss of naked barbarism to the throne, and in that climb I spilt my blood as freely as I spilt that of others.”, The Scarlet Citadel

“I place my trust in Mitra.”, Black Colossus

“It takes oppression and hardship to stiffen men’s guts and put the fire of Hell into their thews.”, A Witch Shall Be Born

“The pay was poor and the wine was sour, and I don’t like black women. And that’s the only kind that came to our camp at Sukhmet – rings in their noses and their teeth filed – bah!”, Red Nails

“The dead are dead, and what has passed is done! I have a ship and a fighting crew and a girl with lips like wine, and that’s all I ever asked.”, The Pool of the Black One

On the importance of education:

“I learned long ago to avoid touching with my flesh that which I do not understand.”, The Scarlet Citadel

“Everyone knows there are men who take the form of wolves at will.”, Rogues in the House

“Better if steel and bowstring prevail without further aid from the arts, for the constant use of mighty spells sometimes sets forces in motion that might rock the universe.”, The Hour of the Dragon

“I hold no truck with amulets and suchlike magical trash -- !”, The Hand of Nergal

“Matters of statecraft weary me as all the fighting I have done never did.”, The Phoenix on the Sword

“A great poet is greater than any king.”, The Phoenix on the Sword

“I think not.”, A Witch Shall Be Born





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Excerpt from page 50 of the "AoCHA" game manual, regarding Stygia - "Rulers, warlords, beasts and demons have risen up between the dunes to make Stygia their rightful home. While the faithful control and hold mastery where walls built by slaves will keep the wilderness at bay, there are countless stretching miles of sandy wastes that give Stygia a thousand and one places to hide treachery, death, and -- for the bravest souls -- adventure!"

"Age of Conan" is roughly equal parts guilty pleasure. Or at least it feels so after the first three or four solid days of play. My shoulders and back hurt, which indicates I must be enjoying it, but I also liked "Pirates of the Burning Sea" for over two weeks, so you can't trust anything I say. I see the shoulder-ache as part of the RP. Likewise, the absence of banks, extra bags, tradeposts, bar fighting, minimap fundamentals, crafting, city-building, siege battles, and the nipples the designers keep swearing exist somewhere in this supposedly M-rated universe. Except for the nipple-lessness (cavemen were edgier than we are culturally), these omissions all add to the prehistoric atmosphere, in a way.

Since Conan would have, I play on a PvP server. Kids playing cloaked assassins lurk everywhere, ganking at will and shouting "Bitch!" Really takes me back to when I wanted kids. You can ninja-loot other people's kills (the catch being that you have no extra bag space yet to store stuff in; the developers are "working on" that). There's never been faster leveling in any MMO, including WoW. My necro has a pet called a Mutilator, which looks kind of like Joan Rivers if you peeled off her skin. The designers promised that they wouldn't waste your time having you beat on rats and squirrels for the first ten levels; instead, you kill apes and snakes.

The quest designs and dialogue are excruciatingly bland, although so were many of Howard's narrative set-ups. His poetic gifts tended to leap out in his action sequences, and that's sort of how the game is too. Though the combat mechanics aren't nearly as intricate as the manual tries to make them sound (especially the spell-casting), it's quick and brutal and, in a good way, nerve-wracking. Combos are almost too easy to chain, but compared to the traditional vanilla MMO auto-attack, it's at least French vanilla.

The art style is strangely lovely; its jungles shimmer with humidity and the subterranean ruins give good supernatural dread. The manmade articles look primitive but careworn. These weapons and armor don't give off purple auras; they look sweaty and functional and dented. The combat noises are crunchy and squamous and layered with M-rated agony; for the first time in an MMO, you feel that man-eating plants and ghouls actually have nerve endings of their own.

Yet perhaps the game's most frustrating element is that regardless of nationality, every player character shares the same cliche origin tale, escaping the same slave galley, washing up on the same Tortage shoreline...Plus we all "forgot" our skills and feats and have to re-level it all back up...If only I could forget all my previous MMO experiences, those dozens of levels and hundreds of wipes, ah then I'd really have something to look forward to.



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"Redbelt" review

May 27th 2008 08:25
Mamet x Tim Allen getting punched in the face = me laughing. (A bit startling to realize that "Joe Somebody" was only one ingredient away from greatness.) For some reason, I liked to pretend that the watch in it was the same one Alec Baldwin told Ed Harris in "Glengarry" cost more than his Hyundai (spoiler alert).

Out of five thumbs, I hereby award "Redbelt": an A minus!*

(After you see it, riddle me these: 1) How did the jerk lawyer get a picture of the shell casing? Why didn't the cop just throw it away? and 2) What's our hero doing with a girlfriend who thinks his code of honor is useless, besides the fact that she's hot? He seems to put high value on inner hotness and she's a wretched shrike.**)

*Margin of error/sample size: 1.

**Oh, wait. She's the black marble. Got it.
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