Kelly Wand"81st Annual Academy Awards" review
February 23rd 2009 07:49
Not that Baz Luhrmann was nominated or anything.
A sea of human excrement indeed.
Let me rephrase that: I haven’t seen this many wealthy people stroking each other since my last gay urologists’ convention. At least all those articles I vaguely recall skimming online about how this year’s Oscars, in response to last year’s Lowest Rated Ever ones, were going to be leaner, classier, and awesomer weren’t kidding*! Hugh Jackman was the most hilarious comedian to host in years, and having all the actresses in their $56,000 gowns come in unseen through the loading docks back entrance was truly inspired. Apparently this was to keep the home audience in “suspense,” as in, “I wonder who’s stumbling around on the loading docks right about now” and “Will this ever get good?”
As always, the most exciting parts were the surprises: from “The Punisher 2” getting snubbed to “Benjamin Button” winning Best Gimmick to Sean Penn referencing gay marriage in his acceptance speech to Seth Rogen and James Franco not visibly smoking pot in a short “Pineapple Express” sketch contributed by Judd Apatow** to the stunning lack of upsets all night (not that I watched much of the first two hours), I was literally on the edge of my bed.
They also got rid of all that tedious recognition for directing, writing, cinematography, and all the other backbreaking labor that makes movies America’s number one export (to countries like Australia and Spain where most of the Oscar winners are from), the better to have extended, scripted monologues at the end in which famous actresses and actors came out onstage and extolled the virtues of this year’s nominees as talents and as human beings. Winslet lost on her last five tries (once to Helen Hunt); shouldn’t all five speeches have been for her?
Luckily, Danny Boyle won Best Director for “Slumdog Millionaire,” which means he can now get back to producing quality work about zombies. “Slumdog” also won the First Best Picture I Haven’t Seen Since “Chicago,” dislodging four other worthy contenders this year, but only because when I saw the “Slumdog” trailers I thought it was some kind of musical. If I’d known it was about a game show, I’d have been there opening day.
*They were outright lying.
** I think it would’ve been both less insulting to our intelligence and more appropriate to just do what American censors did for the U.S. television broadcast of “Cheech and Chong’s Next Movie” and change all the references and cutaways of pot to ones of diamonds. At least give the billions of children who love Oscar ceremonies something to grow on. As it were.
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