Kelly WandBurial Ground
December 27th 2006 04:35
Also known as “The Nights of Terror”, there is something incredibly perverse about “Burial Ground”. I’m given to understand that it would have been against Italian law to allow a child to act in a film such as this but the film maker’s solution is perhaps the most revolting thing about this fairly revolting film.
I believe that political correctness demands I grapple for an appropriate phrase to describe the actor employed. Vertically challenged? Person of diminished stature? Let’s try impossibly ugly middle aged dwarf thing endlessly repeating the word “Mama” in the vague hope that someone might believe he is a child. Besides, no matter how old this child is supposed to be in the film, something that size doesn’t constantly demand access to the breast of Mama, even if she is Mariangela Giordano.
The plot here is simple. There’s this guy who is supposed to be an archaeologist but looks remarkably similar to some wino they have dragged in off the street. He digs a hole in a tomb that unleashes an army of clay faced zombies. These maggot coated marvels stumble forth through the countryside on a hunt for entrails and learn how to employ household tools for homicidal purposes.
Before the archaeologist had his gut munched, he had invited some young people over to see his mysterious breakthrough. The script doesn’t really worry about discussing the nature of the break through but as we know the break through has already broken through and broken him, it doesn’t matter.
The young(ish) people arrive at a mansion, pair off and have sex. We are glad they are having sex because that means we don’t have to listen to their terribly dubbed dialogue. The script seems pitched towards those graduating beyond “See Spot Run.”
“Look, there is a gate.”
“The gate is locked.”
“I’ll ring the bell.”
“Oh, look. The gate has opened.”
Having had to listen to five minutes of that, one is quite relieved that they have stripped down to kinky boots and underwear. True horror fans will of course now know they are all going to die. We also know the dwarf kid is going to die too because he walked into the room where his Mama was bouncing on the mattress with her friend. The middle aged dwarf pervert stood in the doorway looking like a middle aged dwarf pervert so he also deserves everything that’s coming to him. Especially after he asks to suckle.
Zombies quickly come a knocking. Nobody in this gang seems to have ever seen a zombie film so it takes some time for them to work out the whole head shot thing. Worse still, none of our doomed sex maniacs has a clue about setting up a defensive perimeter or the safety of numbers. Zombies feast on their living internal organs accordingly. If they were after brains, they would have quickly starved to living death.
“They’re trying to eat us.”
“Maybe they are just looking for something else in the house.”
“Yes! Maybe they don’t want to eat us at all.”
“Let’s open the door then.”
“Sounds good to me.”
This film has its suspenseful moments despite the poor decisions of its victims. It certainly doesn’t represent any kind of nadir for the genre but nor does it represent any kind of apex either. It notoriously ends with midget zombie son biting off Mama’s breast. It is probably the most foreshadowed scene in the history of movie making but that really is no claim to fame.
That’s all there is to know about this film really. You could just lie and pretended that you’ve seen it.
I believe that political correctness demands I grapple for an appropriate phrase to describe the actor employed. Vertically challenged? Person of diminished stature? Let’s try impossibly ugly middle aged dwarf thing endlessly repeating the word “Mama” in the vague hope that someone might believe he is a child. Besides, no matter how old this child is supposed to be in the film, something that size doesn’t constantly demand access to the breast of Mama, even if she is Mariangela Giordano.
The plot here is simple. There’s this guy who is supposed to be an archaeologist but looks remarkably similar to some wino they have dragged in off the street. He digs a hole in a tomb that unleashes an army of clay faced zombies. These maggot coated marvels stumble forth through the countryside on a hunt for entrails and learn how to employ household tools for homicidal purposes.
Before the archaeologist had his gut munched, he had invited some young people over to see his mysterious breakthrough. The script doesn’t really worry about discussing the nature of the break through but as we know the break through has already broken through and broken him, it doesn’t matter.
The young(ish) people arrive at a mansion, pair off and have sex. We are glad they are having sex because that means we don’t have to listen to their terribly dubbed dialogue. The script seems pitched towards those graduating beyond “See Spot Run.”
“Look, there is a gate.”
“The gate is locked.”
“I’ll ring the bell.”
“Oh, look. The gate has opened.”
Having had to listen to five minutes of that, one is quite relieved that they have stripped down to kinky boots and underwear. True horror fans will of course now know they are all going to die. We also know the dwarf kid is going to die too because he walked into the room where his Mama was bouncing on the mattress with her friend. The middle aged dwarf pervert stood in the doorway looking like a middle aged dwarf pervert so he also deserves everything that’s coming to him. Especially after he asks to suckle.
Zombies quickly come a knocking. Nobody in this gang seems to have ever seen a zombie film so it takes some time for them to work out the whole head shot thing. Worse still, none of our doomed sex maniacs has a clue about setting up a defensive perimeter or the safety of numbers. Zombies feast on their living internal organs accordingly. If they were after brains, they would have quickly starved to living death.
“They’re trying to eat us.”
“Maybe they are just looking for something else in the house.”
“Yes! Maybe they don’t want to eat us at all.”
“Let’s open the door then.”
“Sounds good to me.”
This film has its suspenseful moments despite the poor decisions of its victims. It certainly doesn’t represent any kind of nadir for the genre but nor does it represent any kind of apex either. It notoriously ends with midget zombie son biting off Mama’s breast. It is probably the most foreshadowed scene in the history of movie making but that really is no claim to fame.
That’s all there is to know about this film really. You could just lie and pretended that you’ve seen it.
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Comment by JohnDoe
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