Kelly WandGodzilla Versus Hedorah
October 7th 2006 01:15
I should begin by saying that this is the worst Godzilla movie I have seen (and that’s saying something). It is probably the worst film I have ever seen bar none but I don’t want to put you off of seeing it. Here is one of those films that really is so bad that it passes through the other side of bad and becomes riveting.
I have seen “Godzilla versus Hedorah” (aka “Godzilla versus the Smog Monster”) about five times and I still watch it unblinking, unable to take my eyes off of the screen. Imagine you have slowed to watch a car crash but, before you can move on, an elephant rocks up and sits on the ruined vehicles. Then a refloated Titanic collides with the elephant before a meteor containing “The Blob” crushes everything. Now you have a taste of the majesty that is “Godzilla versus Hedorah”.
It begins with a mighty theme song. If your jaw is not on the floor by the chorus I’ll be surprised. Imagine if a ten year old George Bush Junior had to compose an anti-pollution song for a school assignment. Imagine if Daddy Bush had brought in members of the Lawrence Welk Orchestra (they are as bad as they sound) to supply authentic psychedelic backing.
Some kind of space alien from a “dark and sticky” part of space has landed on Earth and is growing larger by eating all our pollution. It sees a smoking industrial stack and thinks bucket bong. This is not as good a thing as you might imagine because Hedorah farts out sulphuric acid. Hedorah’s bottom burps melt buildings and turn people into skeletons. I wouldn’t recommend them.
Because Hedorah is such a threat to children everywhere, Godzilla arrives on the scene to show the smelly pest off. Okay, I don’t know when Godzilla started being a friend to children everywhere but I suspect he may have been drinking.
Certainly, the actor in the rubber suit looks either inebriated or as if he has taken one too many kicks to the head. He staggers around and makes peculiar gestures with his hand. He also leans a little too far forward so his head is often clearly visible in Godzilla’s throat.
Hedorah is not pleased that his reign of mayhem has been disturbed. He reaches into his guts and starts throwing his turds at Godzilla. Godzilla looks deeply unimpressed about having shit on his face. He rocks to the East. He rocks to the West. He gives Hedorah a filthy look. Later on, Hedorah will try to drown Godzilla under a tidal wave of diarrhoea.
To add to this scatological nightmare, there are bizarre animated asides starring a cartoon version of our favourite rubber wrapped sludge monster. He looks like a happy smiling turd.
Do you think I’m making this stuff up? I kid thee not. Whilst I have an avid imagination, there are not enough drugs on the planet to allow me to come up with something like this. I haven’t even told you about the night club scene where we know someone is doing acid because everyone suddenly has fish heads. And this is before Hedorah attacks. This devastating assault involves the lowering of a slab of black foam rubber down a flight of stairs. It is so terrifying that the drugged out young people forget they have fish heads and stop dancing. Me, I pity the poor slimed cat left in the beast’s wake.
If you run screaming out of a nightclub only to see two towering beasts battling outside, do you jump into your car so you can get a closer look? Does the experience inspire you to hold a music festival on the slopes of Mount Fuji? You’re clearly in the wrong movie or haven’t had the right drugs!
Still, nothing will prepare you for the moment when Godzilla demonstrates his newest skill. Placing his tail between his legs, he uses his fire breath as a jet engine and proceeds to break every law of aerodynamics. You will believe a pig can fly – though you’ll still have trouble believing a hundred metre tall lizard can. When he does it the second time, you will still be astonished. It makes you want to hunt director Yoshimitsu Banno down and slap him around a few times for the way he has insulted your intelligence.
But first you’ll want to rewind and watch it again just to make sure.
You will enjoy this film but you will know in your heart that you should not. Basically, it has every thing. It even ends with a tribute to “Shane”. No, really. It does. The whole bit. Little boy yelling “Godzilla” as the big guy wobbles off into the sunset. It’s unbelievable.
My only disappointment is that the Eastern Eye DVD edition does not include the English language version of the theme song. The Japanese version is even more extreme but DVD should be the medium for the completist.
For connoisseurs, it goes…
We have cobalt
It’s full of Mercury
Too many fumes in our oxygen
And the smog now
is choking you and me
Good Lord, when is it going to end?
It’s up to us to make a choice
Save the Earth.
Save the Earth.
Save the Earth.
By the way, I lied. This isn’t the worst Godzilla movie ever but Sprocket Holed finds it difficult to acknowledge the existence of the American version.
I have seen “Godzilla versus Hedorah” (aka “Godzilla versus the Smog Monster”) about five times and I still watch it unblinking, unable to take my eyes off of the screen. Imagine you have slowed to watch a car crash but, before you can move on, an elephant rocks up and sits on the ruined vehicles. Then a refloated Titanic collides with the elephant before a meteor containing “The Blob” crushes everything. Now you have a taste of the majesty that is “Godzilla versus Hedorah”.
It begins with a mighty theme song. If your jaw is not on the floor by the chorus I’ll be surprised. Imagine if a ten year old George Bush Junior had to compose an anti-pollution song for a school assignment. Imagine if Daddy Bush had brought in members of the Lawrence Welk Orchestra (they are as bad as they sound) to supply authentic psychedelic backing.
Some kind of space alien from a “dark and sticky” part of space has landed on Earth and is growing larger by eating all our pollution. It sees a smoking industrial stack and thinks bucket bong. This is not as good a thing as you might imagine because Hedorah farts out sulphuric acid. Hedorah’s bottom burps melt buildings and turn people into skeletons. I wouldn’t recommend them.
Because Hedorah is such a threat to children everywhere, Godzilla arrives on the scene to show the smelly pest off. Okay, I don’t know when Godzilla started being a friend to children everywhere but I suspect he may have been drinking.
Certainly, the actor in the rubber suit looks either inebriated or as if he has taken one too many kicks to the head. He staggers around and makes peculiar gestures with his hand. He also leans a little too far forward so his head is often clearly visible in Godzilla’s throat.
Hedorah is not pleased that his reign of mayhem has been disturbed. He reaches into his guts and starts throwing his turds at Godzilla. Godzilla looks deeply unimpressed about having shit on his face. He rocks to the East. He rocks to the West. He gives Hedorah a filthy look. Later on, Hedorah will try to drown Godzilla under a tidal wave of diarrhoea.
To add to this scatological nightmare, there are bizarre animated asides starring a cartoon version of our favourite rubber wrapped sludge monster. He looks like a happy smiling turd.
Do you think I’m making this stuff up? I kid thee not. Whilst I have an avid imagination, there are not enough drugs on the planet to allow me to come up with something like this. I haven’t even told you about the night club scene where we know someone is doing acid because everyone suddenly has fish heads. And this is before Hedorah attacks. This devastating assault involves the lowering of a slab of black foam rubber down a flight of stairs. It is so terrifying that the drugged out young people forget they have fish heads and stop dancing. Me, I pity the poor slimed cat left in the beast’s wake.
If you run screaming out of a nightclub only to see two towering beasts battling outside, do you jump into your car so you can get a closer look? Does the experience inspire you to hold a music festival on the slopes of Mount Fuji? You’re clearly in the wrong movie or haven’t had the right drugs!
Still, nothing will prepare you for the moment when Godzilla demonstrates his newest skill. Placing his tail between his legs, he uses his fire breath as a jet engine and proceeds to break every law of aerodynamics. You will believe a pig can fly – though you’ll still have trouble believing a hundred metre tall lizard can. When he does it the second time, you will still be astonished. It makes you want to hunt director Yoshimitsu Banno down and slap him around a few times for the way he has insulted your intelligence.
But first you’ll want to rewind and watch it again just to make sure.
You will enjoy this film but you will know in your heart that you should not. Basically, it has every thing. It even ends with a tribute to “Shane”. No, really. It does. The whole bit. Little boy yelling “Godzilla” as the big guy wobbles off into the sunset. It’s unbelievable.
My only disappointment is that the Eastern Eye DVD edition does not include the English language version of the theme song. The Japanese version is even more extreme but DVD should be the medium for the completist.
For connoisseurs, it goes…
We have cobalt
It’s full of Mercury
Too many fumes in our oxygen
And the smog now
is choking you and me
Good Lord, when is it going to end?
It’s up to us to make a choice
Save the Earth.
Save the Earth.
Save the Earth.
By the way, I lied. This isn’t the worst Godzilla movie ever but Sprocket Holed finds it difficult to acknowledge the existence of the American version.
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