Kelly Wand"Piranha 3D" review
September 4th 2010 05:54
Eaten worse.
I've seen a pant-load of other movies lately, but since I'm about to see two more tomorrow and hate to waste anyone's time (that's not what blogging's about), I figured I'll just focus on piranha for now and do a broader wrap-up of the whole summer part deux after I "reel" those last two in.
Piranha 3D* features an extended sequence with Kelly Brook lesbianing a porn star underwater in 3D, but if that's not enough to "hook" you, here's a rambling, too-hot-for-Comic-Con** transcript of a synopsis of the movie I gave on a podcast that should really "float" your "boat" (and be a huge gyp for anyone who already listened to it, or would be if either one cost a "red" cent):
So Richard Dreyfuss plays an old sea-salt named Quint who sets off an underwater earthquake with his beer bottle at a place called ‘Mesolithic Dig Site’, which opens a ravine into this prehistoric cavern filled with piranha eggs – which have been living for 2 million years off whatever the aliens in Alien were living off of before the Nostromo showed up.
These ravenous prehistoric fish eat Dreyfuss (who is supposedly reprising his Jaws character so the proceeds will go to teaching civics to Americans but whom I preferred to see as his What About Bob character, still traumatized from his run-ins with Bill Murray, who as you may recall carried a fish around with him). Fortunately, the starving fish still leave enough of him to wash up onshore so a cop can ask Sheriff Elisabeth Shue if she thought the teeth-marks were caused by a propeller.
Meanwhile, but a day later, some dude named Jake played by Steve McQueen's great-grand-placenta, wants to hook up with a cute brunette, even though Kelly Brook’s throwing herself at him, because the brunette’s a woman of substance who hangs out with dudes who can get her backstage passes to something and because they throw water on Jake’s Pixies shirt.
Jake wants to look at miles of drunken boobs and get the brunette but for some reason decides to help Jerry O’Connell shoot an underwater porno in a remote location so he can only look at 4 boobs. But sadly he has to babysit because his mom’s Sheriff and she’d rather he not work. So he bribes the siblings more money than O'Connell's probably even paying him to go play with guns in the shed and, even though Jake’s just a location scout, he goes on the shoot for some reason, and his brunette goes too because she’s charmed that he’s shooting a porno with Kelly Brook and a blond chick.
The porno shoot goes well because Jerry O’Connell directs his actresses (who can hold their breath underwater indefinitely) by photographing them in one shot through a pane of glass in the bottom of his boat and yelling stage directions at them that they can’t hear.
Meanwhile, Jake's boring-ass Midwich-blond siblings get stuck on an island because the boy kid got his knots mixed up, even though there’s no ropes. And Shue catches a piranha after it eats a couple of scuba paleontologists who make sex jokes that everyone can hear over their walkie talkies, and she puts it in a pail and takes it to Christopher Lloyd, this scientist who figures out what species the piranha are by dipping his fingers in the water so the piranha can snap at them and then goes, “It’s not staring at me, it’s SENSING!”
Meanwhile, at Spring Break, Eli Roth’s judging a wet T-shirt contest but Shue and the cops show up and shoot a gun and say there’s an emergency, which is everyone’s cue to start the house music back up and jump into the water and flash their tits and get eaten. But Ving Rhames heroically stands on a bunch of the piranha while he purees them with an outboard motor, although eventually the ones he’s standing on catch on and open their mouths so they can eat his feet and make him sink steadily down inch by inch like that subway dude in Volcano.
Meanwhile, back on the boat where Kelly Brook is, Jake’s brunette makes him think she got eaten by somehow getting out of an inner tube without disturbing her drink or taking it with her or getting the inner tube wet, but then Jake sees his siblings are stuck on the island and he asks O’Connell if they can go save their lives and O’Connell (the ladies man character) strangles him and asks if this is a mutiny. But Jake wins the argument by saying that he’s just “going wild.”
So they pick up the dumbass Midwich kids and Jake warns O'Connell, who's also captain, not to hit any rocks. So instead O’Connell gets the propeller tied up in seaweed and they start sinking. The piranha start gloriously eating everybody's buns, dicks, and implants, so Jake finally calls Mom on his cell and tells her that he has the dumb kids but unfortunately some fish ate his producer's dick and he's not sure what police radio code that is.
Meanwhile, Shue comes to save them but Kelly Brook forgot what happened to the ship propeller (and O'Connell's dick) and doesn’t pin her hair up and gets eaten, even though the blond girl right behind her didn’t pin hers up but doesn’t get eaten because she’s a minor, i.e., 4 years too young to get eaten in an R-rated movie. So Jake makes a bomb out of a cell-phone and a flare, and he uses O’Connell’s body as bait because he says it’ll take a few minutes to eat the already eaten body even though with everybody else it took 5 seconds, and heroically blows O’Connell’s boat up and saves the girl because the other boat’s going faster both than the fish can swim and than the explosion can roast them (underwater?), but then Christopher Lloyd calls and says the fish don’t have sex organs, which would make sense since they lay eggs.
Meanwhile, as revealed in the TV ads, James Cameron’s flying piranha eats that one guy (&, I guess, the rest of them, since they’re out of flares, cell-phones and tasers).
Overall, an awesome first half of a double feature with the inevitable CHiPs movie.
"FIN"
*Also available in 2D for two-thirds the ticket cost but also, I suspect, boner.
**Which is held annually about 100 miles south of where I live but which I've still never been to because just being around myself already feels crowded and overpriced.
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