Kelly WandOfficial Spring 2010 Non-Thoughts About Movies I’ve Seen And/Or Slept Through Lately
March 13th 2010 07:48
Link: www.sprocketholed.com
Is her pool-table covered in "heart-felt"?
Don’t worry, I saw more movies and still have this blog, which have no fear I fully intend to continue updating until I’m no longer physically able to insist I’m “press” to disinterested theater concierges (also, it seems that “student” and “senior” discounts are neither cumulative nor honored here in stupid-ass California, “the” movie capital of the western so-called world). Despite the fact that thus far my doubling down on blogging and podcasting about movies continues to be equal parts creatively liberating and unprofitable, I remain hopeful that either of these conditions could change at a moment’s notice. And short of notice, a moment is all I ask.
Finally, the two most ubiquitous complaints levied against these sporadic scrivenings is that they’re either A) too spoiler-y or 2) alarmingly SUV top-heavy with boring-ass plot summaries*. Never one to ignore un-elected critics of criticism, I hereby promise to only spoil really, really shitty movies from now on except when I forget or can’t resist, and to make the boring plot summaries slightly shorter. In my humble defense, if you think those are long, check out the podcasts!
But enough words not directed at certain movies in particular. Page-downward ho!
Book of Eli – Only a truly awesome God would let a blind man linger from an infected bullet-wound exactly long enough to finish dictating the whole Bible to an old man transcribing it in longhand. Spoiler alert: featuring Mila Kunis as a glamorous post-apocalyptic runway model who uses an awesome if-I-purposely-flip-this-van- over-I’m-the-only-one-inside- who-somehow-doesn’t-get-hurt fighting style that the ancillary hot-girl character from the next movie obviously wasn’t up on.
Legion – A siege movie called “Legion” featuring an initially double-jointed but later more skeletally pedestrian “legion” that inexplicably never attacks a bunch of douchebags (and Tyrese Gibson) in a diner because the baby they all want to kill is being born inside it. Spoiler alert: featuring Lucas Black as “Jeep Hanson.”
A Single Man – The Coen Bros.’ greatest movie since Burn After – oh, wait. Correction: if I was Julianne Moore’s gay friend, I’d totally hit that.
Sherlock Holmes – Downey doing Sherlock as Tony Stark, sometimes accidentally breaking into a London accent. At the “climax” Holmes elaborately explains the villain’s motives to the villain while the love of his life lies dying below. He then confiscates the jewel that she painstakingly slept with a sheik to steal and gives it to Watson to give to his wife who threw a drink in his face earlier after he reluctantly but succinctly accepted her challenge to guess her previous marital status. Wait, why and how did Rachel McAdams work for Moriarty? Why’d she steal Holmes’ clothes after she drugged him? Why is she never wearing those fishnets I was promised in the trailer? What’s Moriarty want with a chunk of machinery? Great, a sequel about another machine? Also, what’s with the Matrix slo mo fighting in a Victorian mystery? And what exactly is the comic or dramatic mechanism behind having two smart, equally smart-alecky, handsome young brawlers as your two main protagonists? Lastly, was I really supposed to think Watson was going to die in that slo-mo explosion with the tragic music swelling? Of course not, that would’ve been ballsy. This movie’s about as molecularly removed from its source material as something can get in a string-theory universe and not be a lepton. There. I said it.
Edge of Darkness – I admit I’m a bit of a Mel apologist, and not just because, as I believe he put it, “if it weren’t for all those damn Jews, there’d be no anti-Semitism in the world.” A glacially paced Payback meets Silkwood only with more yappy less slappy, you’ll still find yourself on the edge of your seat wondering whether Gibson or Ray Winstone will nobly sacrifice his already terminal life first. (Spoiler alert: Winstone’s daughter doesn’t show up as a ghost because he dies too fast and I guess only had atheist sons.)
White Ribbon – Wtf. But in a good way.
Fish Tank – I went in not knowing a single thing about this, and it single-handedly ruined every other movie both on this list and off it. As I kept lovably grunting in my raincoat from the back row during my second viewing, Katie Jarvis is this year’s Carey Mulligan (not that I’m not still interested). This film probably cost less to make than one of James Cameron’s farts but in terms of quality deserves to make more than all his movies and farts combined.
The Crazies – Proof that even having Timothy Olyphant as a sheriff in a zombie movie can be ruined. My esteemed colleague Tom Chick counted no fewer than three “friendly hand” shock-cuts; see if you can find a fourth (hint: guns held by hands technically also count). If Cronenberg’s 1975 rookie masterpiece Shivers (aka They Came From Within) isn’t on and this is the only movie playing within a thousand-mile radius, you’re probably in an Iowa biological-catastrophe containment zone, huh.
Shutter Island – Man, everyone sure wants this federal marshal to recover, and they’re not above confusing the shit out of him and controlling the weather to do it. That’s what I call bitchin health insurance. That being said, A plus.
Alice in Wonderland – If you’re a fan of brilliance, illogic, and complex math humor, a piece of you will die during Johnny Depp’s breakdance. Non-visual lameness notwithstanding, Helena Bonham Carter’s so perfect in this movie, her being with Tim Burton in RL just makes you think of Drew Barrymore and Tom Green all over again (although between Carter and Barrymore, Drew’s kind of the Green, not, again, that I’m not interested).
The TR2N trailer – Pure awesome till the computer speaks about three seconds in.
The Oscars ‘010 Telecast – A surprising number of my smart cynical friends actually thought Avatard was going to win Best Picture but I had a lot more countrified old-fangled grass-roots Capra-esque faith in the Academy not wanting to hear James Cameron say anything onstage ever again. Just out of straight-male curiosity, though, what’s with interpreting movie scores through dance in the first place? Not that I’m not looking forward to watching the Shutter Island one baked next year.
So, yeah, there you have ‘er: everything a card-carrying cineaste need know about movies since my last blog entry. Continue clicking this space constantly for more snarky ravings about the magical world of celluloid CGI, and remember: the women’s restroom is the one located further from the videogames (just follow the line of yawning dudes uncertainly holding purses)!
*Can’t my two readers agree on anything?
| 33 |
| Vote |
subscribe to this blog